Let me say, today is the first I've ever thought about writing a blog. I've never even read anyone else blogs. I like to write. Nothing professional and as far as I know, nothing too profound. But writing is how I deal with things. It is how I sort out my thoughts and feelings.
So how did I get to this... (writing a blog) well I lost my notebook that I usually write in and as I've heard my mum say 'desperate times call for desperate measures'. Today my feelings about one very small part of becoming a mum came crashing down on me. So I need to put this down on paper or screen as it is now.
The 1st February - a new month and I'm a new mum for the very first time. My beautiful baby girl was born. I love her very much.
But honestly I didn't feel like a mum straight away. There were complications during labour. I won't go into all the details but after being in a tough labour all day I got whisked off to theatre for an emergency forcep birth with an episiotomy.
I didn't feel her come out because of the epidural and I couldn't see what was happening down there because of the ugly blue theatre curtain and no-one was really communicating with me except to say 'push now'. Then while I think we are just waiting for the next contraction and staring around the room in shock that my birth ended up in the sterile room with my nervous hubby sitting next to me although he seemed very far away and out of reach - I feel something slapped onto my chest. I remember it seeming like the action and sound of someone slapping down a freshly caught wet fish. I don't remember anyone telling me straight away that it was my baby. I didn't even know she was out! Then when someone did tell me, I got a quick, rough glance and she was taken again. Gone.
This moment of seeing my baby and holding her for the very first time was gone and it was not how I planned it! I had hoped to hold her in both arms and look at her face and cry happy tears.
After I spent an hour and a bit being stitched and struggling to keep my eyes open in recovery I finally got taken up to the ward to see her and my husband. That moment was wonderful but to me not exactly the same. I still looked at her and held her and loved her. But I missed that first moment and that first hour of having her close and seeing her little face and her initial reaction to the big world outside of my belly. I regret that I won't every get that time back and I feel robbed.
So today... I just needed to get that out.
Ultimately I know that going to theatre kept us both safe and healthy and i'm glad for the experience and expertise of my team. I thank God for looking after us and giving me a healthy baby. Our bond is strong and this experience has not affected our relationship as mum and bub, just left me a little heart broken for now. Overtime I'm sure it will not seem so bad. I will have many more special moments to look forward to.