Today I got something. Something finally just clicked. Let me explain...
Growing up I had a lot of responsibilities. Some placed on me by people or circumstances beyond my control and others I took upon myself. The responsibility aspect of my life started quite young. I am the oldest of 5 siblings and we come from a single parent household.
The first time I remember the feeling of responsibility was at age five. I won't share all the details but I believe and now know that the level of responsibility I felt regularly was too much and unfair for a child and as I grew, teenager. But for me it was normal and it became a natural instinct. Part of who I was.
As I became an older teenager and young adult people who spent time around me trusted me and saw me as mature and responsible. I liked this. I am a natural leader and I am very ambitious. So I saw those characteristics as valuable.
However after being married a few years and a number of things in life not going how I had hoped or imagined, I found myself in a situation where I really did not like responsibility. The weight and burden of responsibility was too much. I'd had enough of it! I wanted to be fun and carefree and irresponsible. I would often ponder 'why should I be the good girl?' I felt tired.
So for a little while I ran from my responsibilities and commitments. I wasn't the "good girl". And I had the carefree, irresponsible fun that I thought I wanted. Have you heard the Prodigal Son story? That was me... The son. I'm not too proud of it now but it was something that I felt at the time was missing in my life. I was never a wild teenager or young adult. Never went to parties or stayed out late. Never not called to say where I was. And I thought I needed that, I felt as though I'd missed that part of growing up.
As time went on I realised and learnt that life could not be sustained that way. Well not the life I really wanted to live. So a few things changed. I changed. I grew. God took me on a journey. Slowly I had been adding more responsibility back into my life. Sometimes resisting and taking it slowly. Because part of me, my attitude, blamed responsibilities for certain things, events taking place that I didn't like.
Today for me as a mum, wife, daughter, carer & friend was a big day. Just in that I felt stretched. I had a lot of different hats on and it seemed like there was a lot to do. So as I was driving towards one of the big jobs for the day I prayed aloud to God. And to sum it up I prayed "God, thank you for the responsibilities you have given to me." after praying it was like a weight had lifted and my mindset had shifted. I'm not running from responsibility anymore. I'm not afraid. I'm not missing anything. I can handle it. I want responsibility.
What I've learnt in the last four years while on this God journey is that...
1. there is healthy responsibility and non-healthy.
2. that being responsible does not mean you can't have fun.
3. God won't give me more than I can handle