Sunday, January 24, 2016

Broken mummy

To post or not to post? That is the question. 

This week I'm deeply troubled, upset, not liking stuff and generally feeling peeved! And all of that is frustrating because: 

1. I don't want to be that way, 
2. I know what the problem is and 
3. I know how to fix it my way. 

But I am married and so my husband has an opinion and gets a say. In this case, the last say. Sigh. 

When my oldest daughter Olivia was two years old I starting hearing about the idea of homeschooling from a good friend of mine. She was seriously looking into and mostly likely going to homeschool her two youngest daughters. She shared her plans and I listened to her about it. I wasn't opposed to the idea. I just thought it wasn't for everyone and that everyone included me. 

At the time I was very motivated to give my children the best and some what expensive (if need be) education. I looked up schools on the web, thought about it, prayed about it, asked around and I even made charts based on what I thought were the pros and cons. So I took it seriously. 

Anyway, Olivia was due to start three year old kinder soon. I was at home with the girls one week day. Doing housework, playing and something dropped into my spirit. Not just a word. It was more it was an idea with the understanding as to why I should homeschool our girls. It was a revelation from Holy Spirit. 

I remember it was so quick and such a dramatic change in thinking for me that I immediately called my friend to share with her. 

From that time onwards, I felt God leading me in that direction. It is certainly what I wanted and what I thought was best for our girls for at least primary school. 

I understand that others have their concerns with homeschooling which seem to revolve around either a) social issues and or b) quality of education. I know because I used to think that way. Whatever! 

I decided kinder was still important and I had no issues sending her to the kinder where we had pre planned. 

But two years on from my revelation and just one week before she turns 5 years old and my baby girl is enrolled and ready to start primary school, prep at a private co-ed Christian school. 

My husband is a school chaplain and a school teacher and he has a differing opinion on homeschooling. He is against it. There's no talking him around (or begging, I've tried). Until God speaks to him a formal school education it is. 

To say that I am devastated is barely the tip of the ice berg. I am so upset, heartbroken and not happy about it. 

I would suggest those who know me in person don't see me and avoid me this week because i'm either a) looking ok and coming across normal but really I'm hiding behind denial but if it's mentioned I'll burst into tears. Or b) I'm seriously grumpy and don't know how to handle my frustration. So I'm generally not nice. I bounce between the two. A. B. A. B. there's no middle ground. 

5 nights to go and school starts! 😝 

I'm trying to suck it up. Forget about it. Trust God. 

I've prayed. I've pleaded with God. I've cried out to Him. O Lord please! 
Nothing. 

So that's where I'm at and I'm so bummed about it I can't think of anything else to write 😔 

Sorry y'all. Xx 

P.S. Her 2nd day of school is her 5th birthday 😢


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